Jack Vs Technology
by Lee Davies
Summary: A series of drabbles about our favorite C.O. taking on various aspects of technology.
1. Jack Vs The Computer, Round One

Hi, I'm Lee Davies and this is my first in a series of drabbles about Jack and his struggles to master different kinds of technology. This one is called "Jack Vs. The Computer, Round One."

Colonel Jack O'Neil was sitting in front of his computer, giving the machine his best glare of death. He could not figure out how to get the internet up and running again...as usual.

"CARTER!" he roared. Sam, who was in the lab rolled her eyes as her C.O's bellow reached her ears. She knew she would not get any work done since he had a bee in his bonnet about something so she left the lab and travelled to his office.

"Yes, sir?" she asked wearily.

He sat in front of his computer, looking like a cross and surly 5 year old who had gotten his favorite toy taken away. "I can't get the stupid internet working!" he grumbled.

Sam supressed a laugh and said calmly, "Did you click on the icon?"

Jack looked exremely baffled. "What's an icon?" he queried.

She sighed heavily. "The little picture that says "Internet Explorer" under it."

He hunted around for it, and once he found it, he clicked it triumphantly. "Ah ha!"

Giving him a look, Sam said, "Colonel, why is that you can't work the internet, yet you somehow are able to play Solitare, Hearts, Minesweeper, Poker, Internet Checkers and Intergalactic Pinball?"

Jack pondered the question for a moment. "I actually LIKE playing the games...when I have to go on the internet, it's for boring stuff."

Sam arched an eyebrow in a manner reminiscent of Daniel. "Like reading the general's memos?"

The older man scoffed and chuckled. "There are only 2 people on this team who read the memos Carter...and I'm not one of them!" "Did you forget your e-mail password again, sir?"

"That's besides the point!" he blustered. "Sure, sir." Sam replied, a note of cheekiness in her voice.

"Dismissed, Carter." Jack growled.

As she walked away and was almost back to the lab, a yell of "CARTER!" could be heard coming from Jack's office. Groaning aloud, she turned around and headed back. It was just going to be one of those days...


	2. Jack Vs Email

This is the missingsecond of my drabble series about Jack O'Neill and the treacherous world of technology. I collaborated on this story with Rose Stetson, so anything dumb or otherwise scary and freaky is my own dememted fault. To the story, Batman!

"You called, sir?" she sarcasticallysaid as she reached Jack's office for the second time that day. He was hunched over his keyboard, punching variouc combinations of letters and numbers while muttering under his breath.

"What's my e-mail password?" he asked.

"It's the month of your birthday followed by the date. Why are you so interested in your e-mail now?"

"Danny Boy called and said that he e-mailed me a site he thought I'd like." Jack replied.

Wondering what on earth Daniel could have sent the colonel, she leaned over her shoulder to read the e-mail. He jiggled his foot impatiently as he waited for the page to load.

Colonel-

I thought you might enjoy this website. It should keep you amused for a long time. All you have to do is click on the web address below and it will take you to a nice, fun place.

Daniel

(since Fan Fiction won't let me put url's, it's a link to Superarcade dot com)

Sam's eyes narrowed, and she yelled, "DANIEL!", then walked out of the lab to commence Operation Hunt The Anthropologist.

Daniel heard Sam's yell and knew he was in trouble.

"Hey, Sam." he said winsomely.

"Daniel, what were you thinking!" she yelled.

"I was just trying to keep him occupied for awhile! Think of how much work you'll be able to get done without him yelling for you every 5 minutes!" he protested.

"Yes genius, but you sent him something on the computer! He always does something screwy, and then calls for ME to come fix it!"

A sly smile spread over Daniel's face.

"Has he called you recently?"

She stopped to listen for a moment, and golden silence was all she heard.

"You're evil...but thank you!" she said.

"Anytime." he replied. "Anytime."


	3. Jack Vs Downloading

Drabble number 3: Jack Vs. Downloading turned into something a little longer than I had originally anticipated. Michael Shanks would be proud. He issued a direct challenge to fanfic writers at a GateCom Convention. He said that Daniel Jackson was a nighttime ninja in Colorado Springs so I ran with it. Hope these are not scaring you guys too much! We are totally thinking about putting up another drabble series. Look for "Jack Vs. Daniel and Sam", coming to a website near you very soon, and be on the lookout for Rose Stetson's original drabble series, "Jack Vs. Stargate SG1 Fans". The first installment is called "No COmment". (and yes, the caps are correct) This of course, takes place in an alternate universe...

The SGC was rejoicing. Colonel Jack O'Neill had not bellowed for Sam to come and fix his computer for 5 days now and Daniel was considered by many to be a god. Walter even remarked that the anthropologist deserved a Nobel Peace Prize for services to humanity, not to mention the base's sanity. That precious peace was shattered one morning when a famliar shout of "CARTER!" was heard ringing all over every metal surface. She had finally solved E equals MC squared and was prepared to write a brilliant dissertation on the universal effects of the theory when her C.O's bellow reached her ears.

"Coming! Just a minute!" she replied, pleadingly.

"NOW, CARTER! THAT'S AN ORDER!" came the answer at about two times its previous volume.

Looking in front of her, Sam picked up the Goa'uld torture device in her hand and had to restrain herself from bringing it along.

"Yes sir?" Sam asked, in a more than slightly sarcastic tone.

"I need you to help me download Ninja Massacre 7: The River of Blood onto my computer."

"Don't you see enough blood, sir?"

Jack gave her an offended look.

"That's Goa'uld blood Carter...that's completely different!"

Sam rolled her eyes and rubbed her temple. She could feel a headache coming on.

"Yes, sir." she sighed.

After helping the colonel download Ninja Massacre 7 and it's 5 other sequals, she was delighted to hear him say, "Oh no! I ran out of memory!"

Looking upward, she mouthed, "Thank you...there is a God!"

"I want more memory!" he declared.

"Play those 6 first and then we'll talk." Sam growled.

She had been back in the lab for less than 5 minutes when another call of "CARTER!" reverberated throughout the base.

"Somebody please shoot me now!" She said, getting to her feet and walking back toward Jack's office.

"I was trying to finish unlocking the secrets of the universe, sir." Sam said through clenched teeth.

"Wow, Carter, you really are smarter than the average bear."

"Thank you Captain Obvious."

He looked offended. "That's Colonel to you!"

"Right...thank you Colonel Obvious." she replied.

"Take a look at this!" Jack cried in outrage. His Ninja sliced one of his foes with his katana, and 5 minutes later the enemy finally fell to the ground.

"Why is it so slow?" he complained.

Sam rolled her eyes so hard that the earth shuddered on its axis.

"Sir, it's time to face an unpleasant fact...a few of your games are going to have to go."

Jack gave her a look of horror and wrapped his arms around the computer screen. "My preciouses!" he whispered in a faux Gollum voice.

Shutting her eyes, Sam smacked her forehead lightly with her hand.

"I KNEW we never should have let you see Lord of the Rings." she groaned. "It was bad enough trying to explain all that to Teal'c!"

Looking through his games, Jack bit his lip and finally moved the cursor over the first game he had-Freecell.

"Goodbye, Freecell." he whispered.

Sam gave him a look. "Jack, it's not like you're sacrificing your first born child to the gods!" she said snarkily.

Clicking onto Freecell, he was about to move it over to the Recycle Bin when Sam sighed and said, "You can keep Freecell sir."

"YES!" he yelled, leaping to his feet and doing what looked like a seriously demented hoedown around his desk.

"Um, sir...you _are_ going to have to get rid of the Ninjas."

Jack dropped to his knees in front of her and wrapped his arms around her knees.

"Please!" he cried. "Anything except the Ninjas! Can't you take off the internet or something?"

Sam sighed and looked down at him. "Sir, if we take off the internet, you won't be able to play internet Checkers or go on Superarcade dot comanymore."

Releasing her and going back to his chair, Jack sat down heavily.

"I guess it's a sacrifice I'm going to have to make. Farewell, my brave ninjas...you fought well. It was an honor commanding you." he said in a quivering voice as he deposited the icons in the Recycle Bin.

Sam couldn't stop a snicker from escaping her lips. Her C.O. rapidily turned his head and pegged her with a wounded expression.

"Don't make fun of my loss, Carter."

"Yes sir...may I be excused? I need to go talk to Daniel or...something." she said.

He nodded, still too grief stricken over losing his beloved Ninjas to respond verbally. Once she was out the door and had shut it safely behind her, Samantha Carter erupted into a full out belly laugh. She made her way back down to the lab, practically giggling the whole way there.

Daniel looked up as Sam came in, tears of laughter streaming down her face.

"Sam, are you all right, or did you have a few Expressos?" Daniel asked suspiciously.

"No, I didn't have any caffeine today...our revered commander is officially three fries short of a Happy Meal."

"What do you mean?"

Catching her breath, Sam replied, "He's mourning the loss of his precious ninjas."

"Ninjas?" Daniel asked, concern creeping into his voice.

"Yeah, the games on Superarcade that he downloaded." she said, eying his concerned expression. "Are you sure YOU haven't spent a little too much time with the colonel?"

Daniel shook his head, relief sweeping over him. No one had discovered his secret nightly ritual of saving Colorado Springs from organized crime using the ancient arts of the ninjas.

"Daniel, you look a little tired...what did you do last night?" Sam asked.

"Oh, nothing much." he said, his thoughts wandering.

_Flashback _

_Daniel Jackson was atop a building, his clothing black to match the darkness he was hiding in, his trusty katana strapped to his back, and watching the scene unfolding below him. Ever since he was young, Daniel had been trained in the ways of the Ninjas and when he came to Colorado Springs to be a part of the SGC, he soon learned of the problems his new home was having against criminals and he vowed that while he was able to draw his sword, he would do what he could._

_He waited for the appropriate moment. Moving stealthily along the rooftop, he slowly descended to a tree branch. He observed for a few more moments and decided now was the time. With cat like grace, he swung himself through the air and drew his sword out of its sheath. The man below him was oblivious until a loud "HEE-YAH!" was heard from above and he knew no more._

_End Flashback_

"Hello, Daniel? Are you in there?" Sam asked, waving a hand in front of his face.

He blinked and quickly came back to the real world. "Yeah...just a bit tired I guess." he said.

She gave him a look, then said, "I'm going to go check on the colonel..."

"I wouldn't do that...he might rope you into something else..." Daniel warned.

Sam sighed. "He'd better not or he'll be singing soprano!"

Daniel winced. "Remind me to NEVER make you angry!"

Sam smiled evily. "You'd better believe it...I'm level three for a reason!"

Sam hesitantly walked into Jack's office and found him seated in front of the computer, looking very pleased with himself.

"Um, colonel, did you get over the ninjas already?" she asked.

He jumped, and pushed "pause." "Carter...I guess you could say that."

"Sir, what did you do?" she demanded.

A look of guilt was quickly plastered on his face. "Umm...nothing!"

"Sir..."

"It's not illegal!" he replied.

"You're worrying me now...I wasn't even implying that." Sam said.

Jack hung his head and pushed the monitor around so she could see it.

"Mini Ninja!" she cried in disbelief.

He beamed. "It's like Mini Me...but better!"

Sam shook her head. "Sir, only you..."

"I'll take that as a compliment, Carter."

"It wasn't meant to be." she replied dryly.

Jack bestowed her with a look.

"Do you want to help me download more games?" he asked sweetly.

"NO!" she cried.

"Okay then...compliment accepted." he finished smugly and turned back to Mini Ninja.

"I think I'm just going to go back to unlocking the secrets of the universe and leave you to your perverse pastime." Sam said, feeling extremely weirded out. Jack was acting like a fruitloop and Daniel was being odd...well, more odd than usual.

"Okay...Mini Ninja and I will be fine here." he replied.

Walking away, Sam's eyes widened. "This whole place is going wacko!" she thought.

As she entered the lab, a cry of joy was heard from Jack O'Neill's office.

"YES! THERE'S A MINI-NINJA TWO!"

Sam groaned, and laid her head down on the table. "Why me?" she asked.


	4. Jack Vs Photoshop

Thank you to everyone who read and reviewed this story...for those of you who are slightly confused, I went back and put the missing chapter two back in so while it might seem like I posted chapter 3 twice, go back and read two...it's different now, I swear! The idea of Jack hugging Sam's knees came from Rose Stetson (bows down), and now, on to drabble number 4: Jack Vs. Photoshop

Jack starred at the team photo on the screen in front of him. He still didn't precisely understand how the digital camera was able to do this-he just took Sam and Daniel's word that this would work.

"Um Sir, can you take 10 pounds off of my hips?" Sam asked, who was leaning over his shoulder after patiently walking him through how to open Photoshop.

He gave her a look of surprise.

"You want me to do what?"

Sam closed her eyes.

"I should have phrased that differently." she replied.

"Yeah...you might want to try that one again." Jack said.

"I want you to take 10 pounds off of my hips on the computer."

Looking at the computer and back at her, Jack's face said everything he couldn't.

"I didn't mean that, sir! Here, look."

Taking the mouse, Sam drew the cursor down her hips and shrunk them.

"There, that's better." she declared in satisfaction.

"What's wrong with your hips? They look pretty good from where I'm sitting." Jack said with what could only be described as a wicked grin.

"Sir, I'm POSITIVE that's breaking some kind of regulation!"

He shrugged.

"That's what I think, for whatever little it may be worth."

Trying to give him a grouchy look, Sam failed miserably and left his office with a hurried, "Good-bye, Sir."

Turning back to the computer, he was able to figure out how to save the picture. He'd worry about finding the picture again later.

As he logged on to the internet, he noticed several news stories about everybody's favorite butt-head, Senator Kinsey's campaign for the White House. There were several pictues you could click on, and Jack began to get an idea.

Daniel and Sam were in the lab examining several new artifacts when Jack's distinct yell could be heard. "CARTER! DANIEL!"

They groaned, and got up to go see what he wanted.

"Great...now he's calling for both of us!" Daniel groused.

"Hopefully he didn't find more video games!" Sam said.

Daniel turned his head and began whistling.

"Daniel...you didn't send him more games, did you?" Sam asked dangerously.

The anthropologist was examining his shoe very intently.

"No...not exactly..." came the muttered reply.

"What did you send him?"

Daniel said, "I'll tell you afterward."

They walked into Jack's office to find him sitting there with a very evil smirk on his face.

"I have an idea...but I need help working Photoshop." he said.

He quickly explained his plot to the two members of his team, which was this: get a picture of Senator Kinsey and photoshop it with some interesting features, then e-mail it to him in time for his birthday the next day.

"What were you thinking of, sir?" Daniel asked once they got the picture and had opened up Photoshop.

"Tell me what this baby can do." he replied.

45 minutes later, the senator was completely bald except for a green and hot pink mohawk going down the middle of his head. He was wearing an AC/DC shirt and had a chain necklace around his neck. Jack had taken great delight in adding some HUGE jowls to the the senator's face and thickening his eyebrows until they looked the Australian bush.

"You know..." Sam mused, "We can put music with the picture..."

Jack smiled. "I know just the song. Daniel, where can we find "Hail To The Chief?"

Now the masterpiece was finished. Daniel created a fake e-mail account for one "Lola Slink", then both Sam and Daniel howled as Jack signed the e-mail, "Happy Bithday, you sexy man. Love, your admiring fan."

"He'd kill us if he ever found out." Daniel choked.

"That's for sure!" Sam chuckled.

Jack hit "send" with a flourish, and Daniel's eyes bugged out in fright.

"Sir, you just sent that e-mail to both houses of Congress!"

The three of them looked at each other.

"I think I'm just gonna goback to my office andplay Mini-Ninja Two now." Jack said, and quickly ran away to his computer. He hoped that General Hammond would NOT hear about the e-mail.

Sam and Daniel were still slightly in shock.

"If the general finds out, he'll KNOW who sent it!" Daniel said, panicking slightly.

"What I want to know is,just what did you send the colonel?" Sam asked.

Before Daniel could even open his mouth to answer, Jack yelled, "YESSSS! MINI-CLIP DOT COM!"

"DANIEL! I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU DIDN'T SEND HIM ANY MORE GAMES!" Sam roared.

"You never said anything about websites! Besides, you can't download on that site!" he squeaked as Sam chased him around the table.

"Okay...you can live...for now." Sam cautioned.

Daniel left to go pay Janet a visit and just then, Jack bellowed, "WHOO-HOO! HALO FOR DOWNLOAD!"

"DANIEL JACKSON, YOU'RE DEAD!" Sam shrieked.

The anthropologist raced up to Jack's office and shut and locked the door.

"Hey Colonel, want some help downloading Halo? I can be here for as LONG as you need me..."


	5. Jack Vs The Chalkboard of DOOM and GLOOM

Thank you to everyone who has been reading the Marvelous Misadventures of Jack and Technology. This is slowly graduating from a drabble series to a rightout story, told in chapter long installments. We're (meaning Rose Stetson and I) thinking of coming out with a story called "SG1 Vs. Disney World"...Don't worry...Mickey comes to no harm...The rest of the joint is totalled, but we didn't tell you that. On to the 5th drabble/story/chapter/thing, entitled "Jack Vs. The Chalkboard of DOOM and GLOOM", a.k.a. "Jack Vs. Kinsey, Part 1" with moments of "Jack Vs. Sam" and "Sam Vs. Every Chauvinistic Pig in the SGC". This also turned into a MAJORLY shippy Jack/Sam moment. I blame Rose Stetson!

General Hammond woke up and turned on the television to see the election results from the night before. The newscasters seemed to be chuckling very heartily about something, and he wondered what it was. Then the picture came on screen, and he was REALLY awake now!

"What the..." he said, taking in the sight of the now Punkified President-Elect Kinsey, complete with a mohawk and chains.

"It's GOT to be the Chinese I ate last night..." the general said, rubbing his eyes in hopes to make the awful sight go away. Needless to say, it didn't work...

As soon as he heard it was an e-mail from "Lola Slink", he had an inkling just who had been behind it.

"Jack, you really did it this time..." he muttered as he put on his dress blues.

As soon as Jack walked into the SGC, General Hammond swooped down on him like a hawk hunting a rabbit.

"Jack, what on earth were you thinking! Or rather, what on earth were you not!"

Colonel O'Neill had never looked so scared in his entire life. This could not be good.

"What do you mean, sir?" he replied respectfully, trying to score some brownie points.

"Now I REALLY know it was you."

Jack unsuccessfully tried to look innocent.

"What did I do, o beloved general?"

"Save the butt kissing for someone else, O'Neill...like President Kinsey, for example."

"What do you mean, my leige?"

The general gave Jack a look.

"Kinsey's coming to see you, and he's NOT happy. Your timing was impeccable, Jack."

Jack cringed.

"Ummm...what do you mean my timing was impeccable? For that matter, what the heck does "impeccable" mean anyway?"

Daniel was walking by and heard the exchange.

"It means, my dear Colonel Dodo, that this picture leaked to the press on the eve of the election."

Sam was close behind.

"Congratulations sir...you just won yourself 15 minutes of painful fame, once Kinsey gets done with you."

She handed him the daily paper, which had the picture of Kinsey and the caption below it read, "President-Elect has a "Slink"-y Night".

"What do you two know about this?" the general queried.

Daniel began whistling "Another One Bites The Dust" and Sam was giving the floor a very close inspection.

"Look, a dust bunny!" she said.

"Major Carter..." the general said warningly.

"Oh, and it's scurrying away to find its friend...bye!"

"You're not going anywhere, Major, dust bunny or not."

"The naquadah reactor is about to explode!" she pleaded.

A loud BOOM! was heard. The general smacked his forehead with his palm.

"Major, why didn't you just say so in the first place?"

"Because...I made it up and wasn't really expecting it to happen... I thought it was foolproof, sir!"

Daniel snorted. "It might normally be foolproof, but it's not Jack proof!"

Sam glared at Jack fiercely.

"What did you do?" she demanded.

"Just moved a few of the crystal thingys around...you know, matched them up by color." he replied defensively.

"You did WHAT! Jack, you may be my C.O. but after Kinsey's done with you, your butt is MINE!"

"Really? Is that a promise?" he asked, wiggling his eyebrows at her.

"JACK!" she yelled. The whole base wondered if the honeymoon was over.

The general looked at her. "Major Carter, do you have something you need to tell me?"

"Um, no sir."

"Then I suggest we get back to the problem at hand. Jack, you're fired!"

"What! I was just about to send the Goa'uld crying back to their mommas!"

"In the virtual world, or the real world?" the general asked dryly.

"General Hammond, I have no idea what you mean." Jack responded, sounding wounded.

"Can it, O'Neill. What I meant was your timing sucks worse than the alien head-sucker thing! You should have put it out 2 weeks ago!"

"That hurts, general. What do you mean, general?"

"You're not THAT dense, O'Neill...I hope."

Daniel keeled over laughing.

"Prepare to say good-bye and it's been great knowing you!" the anthropologist snickered.

"Danny Boy, I'm still alive and can still kill you before the next mission starts, which is in 15 minutes." Jack growled.

"Jack, you're going to have a LOT more time than that. You've been suspended and are now going to be Kinsey's slave."

"I don't like the sound of that..." he whimpered.

"This is what Jack will be saying after 5 seconds with Kinsey; "I want my mummy!"

The anthropologist busted up laughing again.

Everyone else looked at him as though he had grown a second head.

"Mummy...you know, like the dead Egyptian kind?" Daniel said weakly.

"Daniel, you need to get some sleep." Sam said, shaking her head.

"Danny boy, just how much coffee DID you have?" Jack asked.

"I lost count after the first five...I thought it was funny." he sulked.

Just then, the intercom on the general's desk sounded.

"Sir, the pigeon has landed."

General Hammond rolled his eyes. "Don't you mean The Eagle?"

There was a laugh in the man's voice. "No sir, I mean THE pigeon."

"Jack, start explaining...NOW."

Sighing, Jack began telling the general how the team had just wanted to play a little practical joke on the senator in time for his birthday and they hadn't intended to send the e-mail to both houses of Congress.

"You did WHAT!" the general yelled, his eyes popping out.

"Didn't you know, sir?" Sam asked.

"I just saw the picture on the news this morning..." he said, giving Jack the look of death. "I didn't know anything about your involvement until now."

"It was my idea, sir." Jack said, attempting to take full blame for the situation.

"I knew that, Einstein! I also know that you are NOT able to work Photoshop on your own! You had to have some help."

"I never said it was just me...I only said it was my idea." Jack replied.

"Colonel Jonathan A. O'Neill, you are in enough trouble as it is..."

"Yeah, I know. I was possessed by a Goa'uld?"

"Not going to cut it sir." Sam said.

"Tok'ra? They like to have fun!"

"Nope. You're screwed!" Daniel replied cheerfully.

"Your dad made me do it!" Jack cried, pointing at Sam. "It's all Jacob's fault!"

Jacob walked in.

"You must be psychic..." Daniel sniggered.

"Hello...did I miss something?" Jacob asked, wondering why everyone was looking like Kinsey was about to descend on them at any moment.

"You DON'T want to know Dad."

Jacob crossed his arms. "Have you and Jack finally stopped fighting the inevitable?"

"DAD!" Sam hissed.

"No...despite my best efforts." Jack muttered.

Sam glared at him while Daniel turned red from holding in his laughter.

"Just let it out, Daniel...you're going to choke soon." Jacob said wisely.

Footsteps were heard on the stairs, and everyone froze.

"Somebody shoot me?" Jack asked.

"You're not worth the bullet, Jack." Sam growled.

"Ouch...it's ok, though. I know you still love me."

Sam was so enraged she was speechless. Instead, she lept at Jack, only to be restrained by her father and General Hammond.

"Let Kinsey torture him first, and THEN you can kill him, honey." Jacob said soothingly.

"Let me at him..." Sam said.

Daniel was finally breathing again and turned to General Hammond.

"He doesn't stand a chance!"

"A woman once scorned..." Selmak added.

Sam turned to her father. "Selmak, unless you'd like to be number two on my list..."

"Did I mention how lovely you look today?"

"She's always pretty when she's mad." Jack said.

"Keep digging the hole Jack...it'll make it easier for me to bury you!"

"Did you say Marry?"

Sam lept at him, her claw-like fingers primed and ready for battle. This time, no one was able to hold her back. They crashed to the ground in a heap with Sam on top of him.

The President-Elect walked in then and surveyed the room.

"Ah, Colonel O'Neill...just the man I wanted to see... unless you're busy..."

"Yippee." Jack muttered.

Sam awkwardly climbed off of Jack muttering, "This isn't over by a long shot, buster."

Jack smiled. "Good...something for me to look forward to."

"I'm going to kill you slowly and painfully..."

"That didn't exactly look like death from where I'm standing, Major."

"Sen-a-tor..."

"That would be President." Kinsey preened.

"You haven't been sworn in yet." Sam spat.

"President-Elect, then."

"Okay, President-Elect, may I have permission to KILL Colonel O'Neill right now?"

Kinsey thought about it for a moment. "No...I have the prior claim."

"Prior claim my butt...if there's anyone that has a prior claim on Jack, it's Sam." Daniel whispered to Jacob.

"You're not half kidding...you should have seen them the first time they met! There was a definite feeling of animosity in the air."

"Now it's the aroma of love." Selmak supplied helpfully.

"Selmak, you may co-exist with my father, but there are ways of torturing you!"

"Umm...I'm busy. Nice to see you sweetie!"

"Before I go, just know that you look especially ravishing today!" Selmak said as he and his host made a hasty retreat.

"Good-bye, Selmak."

Kinsey smirked. "Did I interrupt a lover's quarrel?"

Sam looked at him. Her eyes almost seemed to be glowing with repressed anger. "You may be the president-elect, but you are still a man and I can take you down..." she said, her voice having a threatening edge to it.

"It's apparent you've spent too much time with Colonel O'Neill."

This time Daniel and General Hammond had to restrain her.

"You can't kill the President-Elect, Sam."

"Why not?"

"That's called murder in 50 states, Sam." Daniel said.

Kinsey realized that baiting Sam was not a healthy occupation, so he got down to business and turned to Jack.

"Colonel O'Neill, I have decided to skip the entire court martial procedure, and have instead procured a new assignment for you."

"Huh?" Jack asked.

"It means that he's going to make you do something that really blows." Daniel translated.

"I think I'd rather have the court martial." Jack replied.

"Oh, but that would mean everyone would get to see the lovely picture of the President-Elect's Faux-Hawk." Sam answered.

Kinsey lifted an eyebrow that was NOT like the Australian bush. "Did you have something to do with this, Major?"

"Oh you know...he is my lover." Sam replied seductively.

"I am?" Jack said, his face brightening.

"Don't tell me you forgot about last week already, snookums!"

Jack grinned devilishly. "Oh, I remember...pooky."

General Hammond whispered, "What the..."

Daniel, however was unrestrained in his response. He lept into the air, pumping his arms like a football player on steriods.

"YES! Janet, it's time to pay up!" He called out the door gleefully.

Sam turned to Daniel, confusion on her face. "What!"

"Oh, there's been a base pool for about 6 years." he replied.

"How much is in there?" Sam asked faintly.

"Oh, about 14 grand now...some people have their whole life savings in there, which make me VERY happy I won! Bahamas, here I come!"

"Daniel, when did YOU put your life savings in there?"

"The third year!"

"See, I told you you shouldn't have resisted me for so long!" Jack grumbled.

"Jonathan, don't make me hurt you..."

"What? I've been trying for how long now..."

"JONATHAN ALEC O'NEILL!"

"Wow, you sound like my mother...that's REALLY disturbing. Of course, she wasn't as hot as you..."

"DO YOU WANT TO LIVE? OR DIE?"

"Just kiss me before you kill me, and I'm good." Jack replied.

Daniel smiled wistfully." Awww..." he said, tears streaming down his cheeks as though it were a Hallmark movie of the week.

"DANIEL!" they both yelled in unison.

"Colonel O'Neill, I sentence you to...writing sentences on chalkboards in the Oval Office where I can observe you every minute of every day that it takes you to fill them." Kinsey said.

"Anything but that!" Jack cried.

"Unfortunately, yes." Kinsey said, sounding like a bad B movie villain.

The expected evil laugh came quickly.

The general went to go call some of his cronies, and Daniel trotted off to go collect from Janet, leaving Jack and Sam alone with Kinsey.

"Jack, we'll be departing in 3 hours...be ready." Kinsey announced.

As Kinsey walked away, Jack made faces at him and Sam tried not to laugh.

Just then, General Hammond emerged from his office looking extremely smug.

"Sir, do I want to know or is it one of those "I could tell you, but then I'll have to kill you" things?" Jack asked, almost fearing the response.

"Let's just say Daniel wasn't the only one betting on you guys...100 Grand isn't just a candy bar for me anymore!"

Sam was shocked. "100 GRAND!"

"Oh yes...from my friends at the Pentagon."

"The Pentagon?" she asked, feeling wounded.

"Sam, we all knew you had a crush on Jack before you even got here. There's a reason you felt like you'd been preparing all your life for the second Abydos mission. Heck, you even memorized his file!"

Jack looked at her.

"You memorized my file?"

She blushed.

"I always had a thing for guys with "J" names." she mumbled.

He nodded thoughtfully.

"Thank you Mom for not naming me Bartholomew." he said.

"Sir?"

"Then I wouldn't be Jonathan, or be called Jack." he finished smugly.

"Jack!"

"I thought you liked my name!"

Sam took a deep breath, doing her best to lower her already sky high blood pressure.

After the team had assembled at the airport to see Jack off, they tactfully withdrew to allow him and Sam a final moment, Daniel herding them away with a smile on his face.

"Any final words?" Sam asked.

"What do you mean?" Jack replied.

"Anything to say before I KILL you?"

He thought for a long moment.

"Umm...I love you?"

"You do?" asked Sam as her heart melted like the Wicked Witch of the West in a bucket of water.

"Sam, you're like a goddess!"

She crossed her arms.

"Okay, that's a little over the top." she commented. "You should have just stopped at I love you."

Jack smiled. "I'll be sure to remember that."

"Jack..."

"Oh, so it's Jack now."

"Colonel O'Neill, this is breaking regulations in a BIG way!"

"What regs?" Jack asked.

Sam gave him a look.

"The ones we've been dancing around for 8 years!"

"Really? Don't tell me you didn't read the memo..."

"What memo?"

"Oh, just some little memo about how the frat regs don't apply to the SGC anymore." Jack replied, looking out the window.

"WHAT! WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME!" Sam yelled as she began to sock him in the arm.

"Are you interested?" he asked.

Sam tried several times to speak, but nothing would come out.

"I'll take that as a yes." Jack said with a grin.

He kissed her, and took his time about it.

"I'll be back soon...pooky."

"Jack, let's get one thing straight...you will NEVER call me Pooky again!"

"And you will never call me Snookums again...agreed?"

She nodded. "Agreed."


	6. Jack Vs The Chalkboard of D and G Pt 2

This is "Jack Vs. The Chalkboard Part 2", a.k.a "Jack Vs. Kinsey". Hope you guys have been enjoying these! "Jack Vs. Windows Media Player" will be coming soon. If you want some more zaniness in your life, read my other story, "Jack and Sam Vs. Ballroom Bootcamp". Many thanks to the lovely and talented Rose Stetson for being my faithful beta and sounding board.

Jack was tired of writing. He'd been doing it for 3 days now, and had over half of the chalkboards lined up in the oval office filled with "I will not make fun of Senator Kinsey".

"Say them as you write them, Colonel O'Neill...I want to hear it." Kinsey smirked.

The President-Elect's smirk didn't last for long. Jack decided that he'd had enough kowtowing to the creep and wanted to have some fun. He began saying the phrase in a variety of different voices, accents, and dialects. His personal favorite was, "I will not make fun of Senator Kinsey, will I precious?"

Kinsey looked extremely frightened, and Jack made a mental to note to reserve the Gollum voice for the dear senator.

He was whipping through the sentences and was on the last board when Kinsey came over and looked at it.

"Oh dear Jack, you forgot, "during an election year..." you'll just have to go back and add it."

"I'll add something to you, you turkey." Jack muttered as he turned back to the first board and went through them again.

Finally, he was done.

"Jack?" Kinsey asked.

"Yes?" Jack replied slowly, fearing the answer.

"You're dismissed."

Running as quickly as he could out of the White House, Jack blinked as the sunlight hit his eyes. He'd been cooped up for too long.

He was back in Colorado Springs that night and called the team to let them know he was home. Daniel told him they'd been planning a team night out to a paintball place the next day, and Jack said he would be there. Once he hung up the phone, he laid down on his bed and began to plot revenge against Kinsey.

Sam was very pleased to see Jack that morning anyway, but was even more so after he kissed her.

"I missed you...being in the same room with him was pure TORTURE!" he shuddered as he hugged her close.

"Awww..." Daniel and Janet said in unison.

"Now THAT I didn't miss." Jack whispered. Sam laughed.

The paintball night was a blast. Jack proved to be lethal with the paintball gun and ended up winning the games. A thought crossed his mind, and he grinned evilly. Kinsey would be coming to Denver very soon and that would be his chance to strike back and get some revenge for the chalkboards..

"Hey Daniel, you own a few of these paintball guns, right?" Jack asked, trying to be casual.

Daniel looked at him suspiciously.

"Yeah...two...why?"

"Trust me Danny Boy, if I tell you, you'll be an accessory to the fact." Jack replied.

The anthropologist's eyes widened.

"Say no more. Do you need them both?"

"Yep. And what colors do paintballs come in?"

Daniel though for a moment.

"They usually are primary colors, but there's a specialty shop about 10 minutes south of the base that can make personalized paintballs if you provide them a color."

Jack took both of the paintball rifles, but Daniel stopped him.

"Be sure to dust them off...they're unregistered."

"Daniel, you little rebel you!" Jack needled.

The next day, Jack dropped off his paintball requests at the small shop and picked them up a day later. Sam knew there was something going on the minute Jack called in sick. He NEVER called in sick.

Sam cornered Daniel, but the man could shed no light on what Jack was doing. Then, they looked at the paper.

"Oh no..." Sam whispered.

Daniel grinned.

Kinsey was going to be in Denver that evening, and both betted there were was going to be some kind of incident. Jack would be involved, of course.

Jack had been hiding back stage for over 4 hours, but he was prepared.

As Kinsey was right in the middle of giving his speech, Jack stuck the barrells of the paintball rifles out from behind the black curtain. He shot quickly, getting the President in the butt so hard that Kinsey flew forward and knocked the podium over. He stood up, and turned his back to the auidence, whom began to crack up. He had been hit by a bright green paintball in the right buttock and a hot pink one on the left.

The speech was cancelled right then and there. As Kinsey was nervously making his way back to his dressing room, a very familiar voice said, "He has colored buns, doesn't he, precious?"

Another voice answered, "Yes, he does, Precious, yes he does."

"AHHHHH!" Kinsey screamed as he ran away.

Jack escaped without any incident and drove back to Colorado Springs, chuckling the entire way.

The next morning, General Hammond came into his office, holding the paper. It had a nice, big color picture of the President-Elect's decorated butt.

"Care to explain this, Jack?" he asked.

"Nope." Jack replied with a satisfied smile, turning his attention back to Mini Ninja.

"Jack, as much as I despise Kinsey, I can't just turn my face and let you get away with this scot free. I really hate doing this to you, but...You have lost the computer for a week."

Colonel O'Neill looked up at him, water in his eyes and a grief stricken expression on his face.

"Not even...Mini Ninja?" he asked.

"No Mini Ninja." General Hammond affirmed.

Jack looked down at his shoes once the computer tech people had taken his beloved computer away. What was he going to do now? Teal'c was no fun to bug, and Sam would hurt him if he pestered her too much...

Daniel walked past, and Jack got up from the desk.

"Hey Danny Boy, what are you doing?"


	7. Jack Vs Real Player

This is "Jack Vs. Windows Media Player" and it was mostly written at 1:45 in the morning, so if it's zanier than usual, forgive me!

Daniel looked at Jack suspiciously.

"I'm just going over some translations...why?"

"Just wondering, Danny Boy! You're so suspicious!" Jack replied heartily.

Fixing him with a look, Daniel asked, "Okay, what do you want me to do that's going to get me in trouble?"

"Nothing." Jack said, looking depressed.

"What's wrong, Jack?"

Water welled in his eyes, but he maintained a grip on himself.

"General Hammond took my computer away for a week...I can't even play Mini Ninja!" he wailed.

The anthropologist winced.

"That's harsh!"

"I know." Jack pouted.

"Well, my computer doesn't have enough memory on it for games, but you're welcome to come listen to music with me."

Jack was so bored right at that moment in time that a visit from Ba'al even seemed welcome.

"Sure, that sounds like fun."

Daniel ushered Jack in and showed him how to operated Windows Media Player.

"And to rewind the song, you just click and drag the tab back..."

Jack glared at Daniel.

"I might not be as brilliant as you, Space Monkey, but I'm not stupid!"

"Okay, okay...here you go. Just look throught the playlists and if something catches your fancy, play it!"

Scanning the different mixes Daniel had made, Jack found one entitled "Classic Rock". That looked promising, so he double-clicked on it like Daniel had showed him.

The strains of Ozzy Osbourne's "Crazy Train" filled the room and Daniel turned to him with a grin.

"Great choice, Jack!" he shouted above the music.

Jack was playing no attention, for he was enthusiastically playing air guitar. Daniel chuckled, but had joined him with air drums by the end of the song. Next up was Queen's "Bohemian Rhapsody" and the two men took great delight in singing "Galileo!" as loud as they could.

Janet and Sam were walking by Daniel's workarea when they heard Queen being blasted and witnessed the sight of Jack and Daniel playing air instruments.

"I think we should stay for a few songs...this could be pretty entertaining!" Janet said.

"Oh yeah!" Sam replied wickedly.

The next song was the Beatles "If I Fell" and the women were shocked to hear the two men turn the music down and sing the song along with the music, Daniel on top and Jack on the bottom. Their voices blended beautifully together.

"I never knew Jack could sing." whispered Sam.

"Daniel either!"

Just as they began to think that there was great depth to them, "Smokin' In The Boys Room" came on and the girls were dismayed to see that they knew all the words.

"Men!" Janet said, shaking her head.

"I know." Sam grumbled.

Daniel sang "Pretty Woman" and left Janet fanning herself, much to Sam's amusement. It was the Major's turn to drool when Jack sang "Bad To The Bone", complete with swagger and strut.

"Frat regs, frat regs." Sam whispered.

Janet giggled and Sam pegged her with a fierce glare.

Just then, a techno beat could be heard, and Janet's eyes widened.

"Please tell me they're NOT going to dance!"

At first, they just bobbed their heads to it, then both women were shocked when Daniel stood up and started breaking it down. Jack jumped up next and though his moves were slightly more old school than Daniel's, there was no denying they could both bust a move. Sam almost lost it when Jack dropped to the ground and started doing "The Worm" and Daniel moonwalked, making Janet laugh so hard she was gasping for air.

The men gave each other a high 5, and then caught sight of the women. They froze, their hands still touching.

"Is there something you wanted to tell us, boys?" Sam asked cheekily.

They jumped away from each other in sheer fright.

"EWWWWW!" they cried.

"That's NOT funny Carter!" Jack said, shivering in disgust.

"I don't know...I found it pretty amusing..." Janet replied.

"That's because you're SICK!" Daniel yelled.

The 4 of them walked out the lab to go get something to eat, bickering good-naturedly.

General Hammond walked by, and looked inside. There was nobody there, and Daniel's computer was still playing music. It got done with's its current mix and began a new one. It was Daniel's "Super 70's" playlist and it brought back very fond memories for the General. Looking around, he saw no one so he went inside where he proceeded to shake a tail feather to Abba's "Dancing Queen".

They arrived back right in the middle of Earth, Wind, and Fire's "Let's Groove Tonight."

"Uncle George!" Sam cried, shocked.

The General spun around and turned beet red.

"One word of this to anyone..." he warned.

"I'll keep quiet if I get my computer back." Jack said, crossing his arms over his chest.

"Fine!"

"Yes!" Jack said, doing a little victory dance.

The computer was placed back in his office and soon an excited cry of "YESS! MINI-NINJA 3!" was heard.

Sam turned to the general.

"Aren't you the brilliant one..."

"Sam, it was blackmail...Jack has more contacts in the Pentagon than i do!"

"And I have more than Jack does."

The general looked at her.

"What do you want, Sam?"

"Simply put, no regs."

"Sam, I can't do that!"

"You can be pretty persuasive when you want to...besides, you need to soften up Dad."

General Hammond rolled his eyes.

"Ask me for the moon, why don't you!"

"Just promise Kinsey to keep Jack away from him for the rest of his life." she said sweetly.

The general's eyes held an evil gleam.

"If and only if I can do this, my debt to both of you is paid in full?"

She shrugged.

"I can't speak for Jack, but it would be a distinct possibility!"

"You frighten me more than Jack."

Sam raised an eyebrow.

"Uncle George..."

"You can hurt me!" he replied.

"And Jack can't?"

"Jack's too afraid to...you aren't!"

"You have a point, sir."

As she walked away, the general muttered, "All I ask is that you name your second son after me."

"UNCLE GEORGE!"


End file.
